Conversations With Elmo

elmo is a cat, he has 4 ears.

28. Don’t Ever Presume

    

(When my legs returned, I was dressed in chintz and standing in front of ELMO who was holding a school-boy’s slate and some chalk.)

Elmo: I want to play schoolhouse - educate me, bitch-knees.

Me: How did we get to this abandoned barn?

Elmo: I inherited it from an ancient great white owl named Crocadock.

Me: Oh I’m sorry he died.

(ELMO doodles idly.)

Elmo: I welcome death’s presence, hooker - it is the chapter-gate into a sky-stew where bones become angels wings, and Earth Wind and Fire are there also.

Me: You like Disco.

Elmo: Don’t presume to know me.

Me: I wouldn’t dare.

(ELMO cracked his slate over my head.)

Elmo: I hope you like ghosts, because I’m about to expectorate all up in your contusions until you are good and spooky.

Sender Josh says: This is Simon, in costume as Elmo. Me: Look at this little guy - he is dressed up as you! Elmo: You’re sick and the guy who made this is sick! Me: Um…? Elmo: Using your eyeball orbs! Those are cat ears on top of his cat ears. Where did he get those cat ears? Where is the bloody headed cat? Is it in that washer? OH MY GOD CALL THE POLICE. Me: I’m pretty sure it’s Photoshopped. Elmo: (speaking into a dirty sock) Hello, police, it’s me. Me: That’s a dirty sock.

Sender Josh says:

This is Simon, in costume as Elmo.

Me: Look at this little guy - he is dressed up as you!

Elmo: You’re sick and the guy who made this is sick!

Me: Um…?

Elmo: Using your eyeball orbs! Those are cat ears on top of his cat ears. Where did he get those cat ears? Where is the bloody headed cat? Is it in that washer? OH MY GOD CALL THE POLICE.

Me: I’m pretty sure it’s Photoshopped.

Elmo: (speaking into a dirty sock) Hello, police, it’s me.

Me: That’s a dirty sock.

27. The Perfect Ones For Dancing

Elmo: These chaps here that I’m wearing now are the chaps I wear solely for dancing and the casting of voodoo incantations.

Me: Are you Haitian?

Elmo: That’s racist.

(Elmo murmured something under his breath and I woke up I was a pumpkin with a mouth, eyes, and ears.)

Elmo: Now is where you start screaming and screaming and screaming and never stop.

(I being to scream and scream and scream and never to stop. ELMO laughs and dances around me while he is laughing.)

Elmo: Screams are the spirit fluids that make the soil rich!

(He stopped and stomped a foot at me.)

Elmo: These are my clogs!

(They were patent leather navy)

Elmo: Punkin. Let’s dance!

Me: I need legs to dance.

Elmo: I will give you magical legs that belonged to an old man who taught me about fatherhood on the railroad.

(ELMO paused to point a sharp claw at me, he sang:)

Elmo: BEEEEAUTIFUL LEEEEGS!

(I grew legs quick as kudzu and we danced all through the night.)